When Witness Protection Begins to Look Like an Attractive Career Alternative

I have a friend who recently told me about a dream she had. She was running from the mob because she stopped some sort of trademark infringement. The upshot of this public service was that the US government paid her $40K. The downside was obviously being shot at. But, in her dream she didn’t actually get shot – which she felt was worth $40K. However, if she were to be continually hunted by the mob she wasn’t sure $40K would cover being put in witness protection.

Then we thought about this for a second and had a jinx-moment where we both said “except in witness protection they arrange for you to have a job”

….An arranged job?

I should probably figure out how to do that immediately This may be the best thing since arranged marriages.

Networking 101: And Why I Am Terrible At It

Networking is like a four letter word in law school. We all know we need to do it. Or, rather, we all know we should do it. But, when it comes to doing it many of us would rather leave it to the MBA students over at the business school. I mean, you’re schmoozing with someone for the sole purpose of making friends who will help you get a job. Something about it just sort of feels a little dirty. Nothing about it feels genuine. And yet, in the world of law, it is often the only way to get your resume off the stack and into someone’s hands.

Some of us come to this skill set more naturally than others. I, though gregarious and fun-loving, am not a natural networker. Rather, I am that awkward kid that sits there holding my cocktail like a life preserver mumbling “don’t take my stapler.”

I don’t lack self-esteem. When it comes to my professional skill sets, I’ll be the first to tell you how accomplished I am. I’m a great listener. I also have awesome analytical reasoning skills. I also have great public speaking skills and am not shy in crowds. All of these traits have been fairly helpful in law school. But – yes, there’s a “but” – I am horrible at asking questions. That’s right, I am not good at asking about things I want to know about. And this fact alone seems to make my networking experiences seem like a train wreck I couldn’t look away from.

It’s not a shyness thing – I am a fairly gregarious and engaging person. I have no hang ups with public speaking. It’s not a fear of sounding stupid either. I have no shame.

Sometimes I think perhaps I listen too well, and by the time the interviewer comes around to the “do you have any questions for us?” phase of the interview, all of my questions have been answered. I simply don’t know what to ask about. And I suck at making up questions on the fly. For an interview this innate deficiency is really easy to mask – I prep like hell and make a list of questions that are relevant to the employer and the prospective job well in advance. However, for networking, I often find myself struggling with where to begin.

With a little practice I’ve learned to hide this flaw, masking it with smiles, nods, and frequent trips to the available food and drink. If it’s a group event, I also listen attentively to the other question-askers, using context clues to help me piece together something I might ask that’s not redundant but also useful. And then I ask for a business card. But that’s not really enough.

Step two is the follow up email. Figuring out how to connect outside of the networking event is challenging at best. If they’ve offered to do something specific like, say, look over your resume this part is easier. If you’re asking to meet for coffee its a whole different ball of wax. And my biggest pitfall? Getting around to emailing in the first place. I will sit on business cards for weeks until it gets to the point where I feel like emailing is uncomfortably awkward. And then I feel guilty about the fact that so much time has lapsed – which usually causes even more time to lapse. And even more guilt and shame to accumulate. Until I’ve finally decided to start over with a new group of people only to struggle with this key follow-up step again. Like I said, its a train wreck I can’t look away from.

But now that time is of the essence and my job search is entirely dependent on me learning right this very second to do all of these things I’m so very bad at I find myself jumping straight into the deep end. More events. More business cards. More awkward emails. I even have a spreadsheet to track it. Basically, learning to network is like learning to ride a bike. The only way to learn is to do it over and over again until you get it right. Sometimes you crash into the bushes but you just have to get back up and try again.

Until then, I hope my foibles are as entertaining to everyone else as they are to me. I’ll be in the corner, drinking red wine, mumbling about how someone took my stapler.

 

 

Graduation: AKA My Impending Doom

The only time, I repeat – ONLY – time that I’m excited to be graduating law school is when I’m on Facebook late at night and I see what my high school and undergraduate classmates are up to. Then, for approximately 30 seconds, I contemplate posting something like “Guess who’s about to graduate lawwwwwww schoool? Yeah, that’s right, me. Suck it bitches.” But, I never ever go through with it.

For one, my victory dance would be terribly short-lived. The follow-up “congratulations”  would be overshadowed by the dreaded “what are you plans for afterwards?”

Well, uh, as I’m unemployed and my current plans involve taking the bar exam and becoming a vagabond on the national mall I don’t really want to talk about it.

“But you went to law school” They’ll say. “Don’t you have a job lined up?” They’ll ask. See, they’re confused. Largely because the general population thinks everyone that goes to law school comes out with a silver spoon in their mouth and a job in hand, ready to make six figures and drive a Porche.

So, when I hesitantly reply “Well the job market is sort of terrible right now, and I’ll have student debt coming out my eyeballs…” they scoff and say “well it’s your fault for going to law school.”

And well, they’re sort of right. I did chose to go to law school. I did know the economy wasn’t stellar in 2010. Though it had shown signs of growth in specific sectors. Except – there’s one small thing. It’s really a tiny thing. And believe me, I’m not trying to blame shift but – I never expected to make six figures. From the beginning, my life plan included exactly one thing: working for the United States Government.

Guess what doesn’t happen during a sequester? Working for the government. Hell even current government employees can’t get paid to work for the government. They’re furloughing the shit out of people here in DC. Annnnnd hiring is virtually frozen.

So, my life plans drastically changed when that happened. And now I’m going to be a drunk vagabond living in a box fort on the national mall. Potentially offering pro bono legal advice if Virginia deigns to grant me bar admission. Provided I can pass character and fitness after this little confessional.

Second, there is no proper way to convey “I swear I’m not an elitist snob now that I’m about to graduate law school, but I’m sort of an elitist snob who now disdains all liberal arts majors despite being a former liberal arts majors.”

Lastly, in law school you never post your accomplishments – you just sit and wait patiently for someone else to congratulate you while adding hints in the most passive-aggressive manner possible. Well, I guess you can post your accomplishments. But then you’re that asshole.

So, instead, I sit here counting down the tasks that lay between me and graduation wondering if the pictures of me in my cap and gown will be attractive enough to passive aggressively post on Facebook while I fish for congratulations from the crowd. Because, really, I want to feel good about this thing that I’ve accomplished in my life. But I really, really, really don’t want to talk about my (un)employment status.

Unless of course I get a job. But let’s get real, I’m not that asshole. I’m not going to post that on Facebook. I’m going to wait until a friend strategically congratulates me like a neurotic passive aggressive freak. I swear, only law students can be this self-important and insecure at the same time.

Health Insurance Woes

Things about unemployment that frighten me: complete lack of health insurance
Things about graduation that are exciting to me: freedom from student health insurance

I’m having trouble this morning reconciling these two emotions. The dream is that I manage to garner some form of gainful employment that comes with benefits, so the first item ceases to be a concern. But, like I said – it’s a dream (for the present). However, despite this looming fear of being uninsured, I long for the days when I’m actually permitted to see someone with an MD after their name without a referral. Student health insurance is a joke. Not only does it cost a small fortune (for a supposed PPO) but the coverage is shoddy at best.

This morning I visited the student health center for what I hope is one of the last times. It turns out I was right, I have a minor ear infection. Its rather uncomfortable. Of course, I could just be a big gigantic baby and be making a fuss over something that isn’t really that bad. I never had ear infections in my youth. This is probably my second ear infection ever, in life. It hurts and I don’t like it. The friendly nurse practitioner (not my usual nurse practitioner because when you make a last minute appointment you don’t get to express preference as to whom you’re willing to see) told me I could just tough it out, and that it would resolve itself in a few days. No meds.

I tried to reiterate the “but it really, really hurts” line without sounding like a small child throwing a tantrum. I am not sure I succeeded, as I walked away to pay my $20 co-pay with no prescription in hand. Perhaps I should have re-emphasized just how hard it is to concentrate on anything when half your face is in pain.  And, unfortunately, I don’t think he was empathetic to my plight as a law student. So, I was sent packing and told to come back if it was still bothering me at the end of the week. And, because of how crappy student health insurance works I can’t really get a second opinion before then.

End result: I am crankier than I was when I went to sleep last night. And this is an unfortunate way to spend April Fools’

Unemployment, Revisited

In less than 60 days, I graduate from [not Georgetown Law]. Bar study class starts the morning after. I have not (yet) acquired post-graduation employment, gainful or otherwise.  The fact that I haven’t collapsed from a panic attack is a small miracle, but I suppose the (seemingly) never ending job search keeps me going. That and the ever-present cup of coffee in my hand. To be fair, sometimes it’s herbal tea.

For the second time in my relatively short adult life, I’m about to graduate into a shaky economy with few full time employment prospects. It’s daunting, but familiar. So, I’m doing what I do best – diffusing stress with the occasional bit of dark humor, a stab at creative writing, and spending all my spare time alternating frantically applying to jobs with staring into my laptop screen like a zombie as streaming video auto-plays.

I’m pretty sure my post-bar employment plans consist of gathering as many cardboard boxes as I can and making a box fort on the national mall. I have a few law school cohorts who might join me, which would be awesome because it means I wouldn’t have to collect quite so many boxes on my own. I’ve always been a fan of pooling resources whenever possible. I would make a very bad contestant on survivor because my desire to win would constantly be at war with my desire to make logical choices that not only benefit me, but the person sleeping on the tropical beach next to me. It really is too bad that DC has a northern climate, as that’s less than optimal for a box fort. I suppose we could work on various DIY water-proofing and insulation tactics. Then we can have our very own tent city. We might even hang our very own shingle and start a cardboard legal clinic – like Lucy in Peanuts. Once we get our bar passage results, we’ll have a wide variety of jurisdictions represented. Good thing the new law school building is supposed to have showers – it really should have a gym, though. Wouldn’t want to get out of shape.